1 post tagged “sex”
Yes, you read the title correctly. I, Hamsa CTZ Aziz, a perfectly normal … ish human being want to have sex with Motoko Kusanagi, an anime character. Now as anyone who has been exposed to anime, you should know who this person is. She's the main protagonist from the Ghost in the Shell series. Spanning manga, 3 movies, 2 series seasons and a third (or fourth depending on how you want to look at it really) on the way. Not to mention video games, which is what inspired me to write this potentially career damaging piece if I ever decide to get out of the blogosphere.
One day, I was playing the (horrible) Ghost in the Shell game for the PS2 when it just hit me; I want to have sex with her. I don't know if it was because she's just so smoking hot, or if I was just starring at her ass too much (it's a third person game FYI), but I seriously want to do her. Now, for you Destructoid readers, I'm sure this sounds a little familiar. My fellow writer at Dtoid, Reverend Anthony, wrote a piece about how he wanted to have sex with Carmen Sandiego. I insure you all that I'm in no way trying to bite his style. Whether he wrote that piece or not, I still would have wanted to have sex with Motoko. The only thing I'm taking from him is that he had enough balls to post about how he wanted to have sex with Carmen on a site that gets thousands of readers a day.
So before I go into the reasons as to why sex with Motoko would be totally awesomesauce, I first have to tell you how one would go about having sex with her in the first place. By becoming a cyborg.
See the thing about Motoko Kusanagi is she's been a complete cyborg ever since she was in a plane crash when she was just 7-years-old. Only her brain and part of her spine are what remain from her human days. So obviously a flimsy*, meaty, human cock isn't going to pleasure my sweet love in any way. So that's why I'd first have to become a cyborg.
Jackhammer cock
After
I get my new and totally awesome robotic shell, I'm going to do some
special modification. The way I see it, Motoko lives her life in
constant danger on a daily basis. So even having a cybernetic cock
still might not excite her enough. So that's why I'm going to
(presumably illegal) modify my cock so it's like a jackhammer. Yeah,
let that sink into your minds for a minute, jackhammer cock. If you're
going to have sex with a cyborg, you have to do it the proper way. Now,
this whole jackhammer cock more or less extends from a joke I have with
my friends when we're on the hunt for women. One night, out of
frustration, and maybe too much to drink, I had to ask my buddies:
"Why can't I just go up to a girl and simply ask "Hey baby, can I jackhammer your vagina with my cock?""
Did you like that line? Go ahead and use it. I'm full of them. Hell, I once told a French guy in Miami that I wanted to "fuck his accent". I was REALLY drunk that night, but alas, that's a story for another place and time.
Live blog sex
I
like to write. I may not be that great at it, but I still like to write
about news and my daily life. So you can be damn sure that I'm not only
going to write about having sex with the most powerful female in the
entire world, but I'm going to live blog that shit! I can just imagine
it now:
12:05: Increasing the speed of the jackhammer to 5X.
12:06: Motoko is making noises. Her breasts are jiggling.
12:07: I wonder what's on T.V. tonight … OH HEY! Turns on T.V. in left eye Bah, it's just season 6532 of the The Simpsons.
12:08: Pinching her nipples
I'd become the number one site on the Internet by doing this.
Self-sexualization.
Of
course, there are other benefits from becoming a cyborg. Aside from
hiding weapons within my own freaking body, being nearly immortal, and
modify the hell out of myself (LAZER BEAM EYES!), I can also have sex
with myself! See, Motoko is also the world's greatest hacker. She can
easily hack into another cyborg and make that cyborg do whatever she
wants them to do. So, what I'd want to do is hack a chick (not Motoko,
she could easily kill me if I tried this stunt on her) so while we're
doing it, I can switch between her and my mind to get the experience
from both angles. I'm totally heterosexual mind you, so I know that
this idea really sounds ... psychotic. But then again, this whole
fetish I'm writing about is totally weird and if you've read up to this
point, than there's something wrong with you too.
Finally, the most important aspect of being a cyborg. I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO POOP AGAIN.
So now that I've covered the most important aspects of why it'd be necessary to become a cyborg, let's go over why Motoko is worth ripping out my brain from my perfectly fine skull and inserting it into a titanium brain case.
BODY GUARD
For one thing, now that I've won her over and she loves me ever so much, I can get her to do anything I want her to do.
"Steal money from the American Empire, a Tachikoma, and a pet monkey just for me!? Oh you shouldn't have Motoko!"
Remember, she's the world's best hacker so acquiring all of these items for me would be a cinch. And of course, if she ever got caught, she'd kill them. With a pistol. From 5 miles away. That's how deadly she is. I'd never have to worry about anything so long as I have Motoko around me at all times. I could easily start a fight with some dirt bag if I felt like it. And right before the punch hits my face, it stops as if it hit an invisible brick wall. Oh, but it's not an invisible brick wall my friend. It's Motoko's hand; she had her active camouflage on. She caught your fist. Now she just ripped your arm out of it's socket. Now she's shoving your arm up into your anus. Haha, owned.
INVISIBLE SEX!
Speaking
of invisibility, can you imagine the sex! It'd be like a game of Pin
the Tail on the Donkey. Except instead of a tail, it's my … OK, I'm
sure you know where I'm going with this joke. Actually, I really don't
have much to add to this. I just want to have sex with an invisible
chick.
CyberneticLesbianOrgy
The most
important thing about getting to bang Motoko is that I can join in her
threesomes she has with her lady friends. WHAT YOU SAY?! Yes, Motoko
Kusangi is bisexual. Seriously, look at the proof I have: NSFW
It's
from the original manga. This is actually a perfect time to bring up
GHOST SEX. It's where the participants have sex in a spiritual sense
and is said to be far greater than physical sex. So it probably was
pointless modding my cock, but oh well, I'll at least have a story for
the grand kids.
So there you have it dear readers, my reasons for having sex with Motoko Kusanagi. Yes, you don't have to remind me. She's just an anime character and my fantasy is just a waste of time. But this is America damn it! A guy can dream …
(*Ladies, I'd just like to clarify that when I say "flimsy", I meant in respect towards a cybernetic vagina. My cock is totally awesome in real life).
*Hey, to whoever read this, thank you. This was origanlly going to be something for Japanator, but it's a little to sexual so it got turned down. I had a few more points to add and I'm sure there are parts I could have written better, but I stopped caring, heh. But I at least wanted to get this out there and have a few people read it. Hope you enjoyed it.*
