CTZ’s blog

I am falling in love with San Francisco

nobody@vox.com(CTZ) — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 13:37:19 -0700

One of the first few places I lived when my family moved from New York (before that Germany and before that Afghanistan with various places in between), I lived in the Bay Area. A couple of years in Hayward and most of my young childhood in Alameda. It has been several years since I've made a trip out to Alameda; I do want to venture back there again one day to my old apartment which was in the perfect place for my Elementary school days. The school was 2 blocks down the road and the beach was right across the street. I still remember all the great times I had making sand castles and even the day a whale got stranded on the beach.

From 6th grade and beyond though, I've lived in the central valley. Sure, it's a nice place, but I will always miss the Bay Area. The weather is always perfect in the Bay. The ocean breeze, no matter how cold it can get, always felt right to me. Lately, I've been going more and more to San Francisco for team Destructoid.

My very first memory of San Francisco was when I was a small child with my family walking the popular pier area. I specifically remember this first day because a lady of about 25 was walking down the road with holes all over her pants and most interesting to me, her ass. That was a pleasant site even though I didn't fully understand the concept of boners and women not having penises just like me. The second time I can remember going to San Francisco was with 3 of my closest friends during the 12th grade. We all had just got on this giant ninja kick so we wanted to down and buy ninja weapons. My friends bought all sorts of ninja stars and swords, while for reasons still unknown to me, I bought nothing. I was extremely nervous for I had never used the BART before and never gone out of town without my parents. Yes, I was an extremely sheltered little boy.

Ever since for Destructoid, I've been going more and more to the city that's stealing my heart. Plenty of game events go on to which I'm quick enough to call dibs on. Plus, some of my really good friends live in the area so I have plenty of good reasons to return. It's extremely helpful financially, as well, to know someone who works for BART and gives me some BART cash cards :D.

On my last trip to the Bay, after having burrito bombs and witnessing the extreme bad luck Dan has in his life, we made our way to Japan town. I've wanted to go for a long time now for I have a huge fascination with the Japanese lifestyle. We went to only one part of the Japantown, which was a giant Japanese mall.It had every type of store imaginable. I didn't feel comfortable at the time though for I didn't want to keep Alex and Dan from their business, so it was a short visit. Next week however, I plan on visiting again and just taking my sweet time. I'm looking forward to visiting again and looking at all the swords, trying some of the food, and browse the anime dvds at greater length. Until I strike it rich and can afford a trip to Japan, this is the closest I can get.

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I want to have sex with Motoko Kusanagi

nobody@vox.com(CTZ) — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 19:01:15 -0700

Gits-sac_kusanagi006

Yes, you read the title correctly. I, Hamsa CTZ Aziz, a perfectly normal … ish human being want to have sex with Motoko Kusanagi, an anime character. Now as anyone who has been exposed to anime, you should know who this person is. She's the main protagonist from the Ghost in the Shell series. Spanning manga, 3 movies, 2 series seasons and a third (or fourth depending on how you want to look at it really) on the way. Not to mention video games, which is what inspired me to write this potentially career damaging piece if I ever decide to get out of the blogosphere.

One day, I was playing the (horrible) Ghost in the Shell game for the PS2 when it just hit me; I want to have sex with her. I don't know if it was because she's just so smoking hot, or if I was just starring at her ass too much (it's a third person game FYI), but I seriously want to do her. Now, for you Destructoid readers, I'm sure this sounds a little familiar. My fellow writer at Dtoid, Reverend Anthony, wrote a piece about how he wanted to have sex with Carmen Sandiego. I insure you all that I'm in no way trying to bite his style. Whether he wrote that piece or not, I still would have wanted to have sex with Motoko. The only thing I'm taking from him is that he had enough balls to post about how he wanted to have sex with Carmen on a site that gets thousands of readers a day.

So before I go into the reasons as to why sex with Motoko would be totally awesomesauce, I first have to tell you how one would go about having sex with her in the first place. By becoming a cyborg.

See the thing about Motoko Kusanagi is she's been a complete cyborg ever since she was in a plane crash when she was just 7-years-old. Only her brain and part of her spine are what remain from her human days. So obviously a flimsy*, meaty, human cock isn't going to pleasure my sweet love in any way. So that's why I'd first have to become a cyborg.

Jackhammer cock
After I get my new and totally awesome robotic shell, I'm going to do some special modification. The way I see it, Motoko lives her life in constant danger on a daily basis. So even having a cybernetic cock still might not excite her enough. So that's why I'm going to (presumably illegal) modify my cock so it's like a jackhammer. Yeah, let that sink into your minds for a minute, jackhammer cock. If you're going to have sex with a cyborg, you have to do it the proper way. Now, this whole jackhammer cock more or less extends from a joke I have with my friends when we're on the hunt for women. One night, out of frustration, and maybe too much to drink, I had to ask my buddies:

"Why can't I just go up to a girl and simply ask "Hey baby, can I jackhammer your vagina with my cock?""

Did you like that line? Go ahead and use it. I'm full of them. Hell, I once told a French guy in Miami that I wanted to "fuck his accent". I was REALLY drunk that night, but alas, that's a story for another place and time.

Live blog sex
I like to write. I may not be that great at it, but I still like to write about news and my daily life. So you can be damn sure that I'm not only going to write about having sex with the most powerful female in the entire world, but I'm going to live blog that shit! I can just imagine it now:

12:05: Increasing the speed of the jackhammer to 5X.
12:06: Motoko is making noises. Her breasts are jiggling.
12:07: I wonder what's on T.V. tonight … OH HEY! Turns on T.V. in left eye Bah, it's just season 6532 of the The Simpsons.
12:08: Pinching her nipples

I'd become the number one site on the Internet by doing this.

Self-sexualization.
Of course, there are other benefits from becoming a cyborg. Aside from hiding weapons within my own freaking body, being nearly immortal, and modify the hell out of myself (LAZER BEAM EYES!), I can also have sex with myself! See, Motoko is also the world's greatest hacker. She can easily hack into another cyborg and make that cyborg do whatever she wants them to do. So, what I'd want to do is hack a chick (not Motoko, she could easily kill me if I tried this stunt on her) so while we're doing it, I can switch between her and my mind to get the experience from both angles. I'm totally heterosexual mind you, so I know that this idea really sounds ... psychotic. But then again, this whole fetish I'm writing about is totally weird and if you've read up to this point, than there's something wrong with you too.

Finally, the most important aspect of being a cyborg. I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO POOP AGAIN.

So now that I've covered the most important aspects of why it'd be necessary to become a cyborg, let's go over why Motoko is worth ripping out my brain from my perfectly fine skull and inserting it into a titanium brain case.

BODY GUARD
For one thing, now that I've won her over and she loves me ever so much, I can get her to do anything I want her to do.

"Steal money from the American Empire, a Tachikoma, and a pet monkey just for me!? Oh you shouldn't have Motoko!"

Remember, she's the world's best hacker so acquiring all of these items for me would be a cinch. And of course, if she ever got caught, she'd kill them. With a pistol. From 5 miles away. That's how deadly she is. I'd never have to worry about anything so long as I have Motoko around me at all times. I could easily start a fight with some dirt bag if I felt like it. And right before the punch hits my face, it stops as if it hit an invisible brick wall. Oh, but it's not an invisible brick wall my friend. It's Motoko's hand; she had her active camouflage on. She caught your fist. Now she just ripped your arm out of it's socket. Now she's shoving your arm up into your anus. Haha, owned.

INVISIBLE SEX!
Speaking of invisibility, can you imagine the sex! It'd be like a game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Except instead of a tail, it's my … OK, I'm sure you know where I'm going with this joke. Actually, I really don't have much to add to this. I just want to have sex with an invisible chick.

CyberneticLesbianOrgy
The most important thing about getting to bang Motoko is that I can join in her threesomes she has with her lady friends. WHAT YOU SAY?! Yes, Motoko Kusangi is bisexual. Seriously, look at the proof I have: NSFW
It's from the original manga. This is actually a perfect time to bring up GHOST SEX. It's where the participants have sex in a spiritual sense and is said to be far greater than physical sex. So it probably was pointless modding my cock, but oh well, I'll at least have a story for the grand kids.

So there you have it dear readers, my reasons for having sex with Motoko Kusanagi. Yes, you don't have to remind me. She's just an anime character and my fantasy is just a waste of time. But this is America damn it! A guy can dream …

(*Ladies, I'd just like to clarify that when I say "flimsy", I meant in respect towards a cybernetic vagina. My cock is totally awesome in real life).

*Hey, to whoever read this, thank you. This was origanlly going to be something for Japanator, but it's a little to sexual so it got turned down. I had a few more points to add and I'm sure there are parts I could have written better, but I stopped caring, heh. But I at least wanted to get this out there and have a few people read it. Hope you enjoyed it.*

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Happy 1 Year Anniversary to me!

nobody@vox.com(CTZ) — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 14:29:03 -0700

Today marks my 1 year anniversary working with Destructoid. You know what would make this day perfect and just totally bring out my year to a full circle? If some big breaking news about Sonic was released today (SSBB). Seeing as how my first "story" (I'm using quotes cause I can't still believe how shitty of a post I did) was about Sonic, it would be just perfect.

I've visited some of the biggest cities in the country, made amazing new friends and just never been this happy until I joined up with the site. It's all a big dream really. I'm apart of something that is going to eclipse everyone that we're in competition with. Destructoid is taking over and it's very satisfying to know that I'm apart of that and have helped the site become as big as it has.

Niero, I owe you so much. I can't believe how much of an amazing guy you are. To everyone else, I love you all so much. Also cocks.

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The counter act agent

nobody@vox.com(CTZ) — Sat, 26 May 2007 23:09:53 -0700

Is masturbation. Or rather in my case last night, a wet dream. Yes, probably way too much info for the few of you who read this, but I find venting in the digital rather than in the physical makes me feel better. Plus, there's no one for me to talk to about any of this in the physical.

I still feel down, and there's nothing that's going to change that. But, I do feel loads better than I have in the last two days.

Another semester was finished this past week. I think I fucked up the Biology class again. Yes, again. I don't know why I do this to myself. Hopefully I make it out with a C at least.

Oh, also, my aunt is moving this weekend. She should be out by Sunday. What's that have to do with anything? She was my DSL source. Now I have nothing but dial up. I'm going to ask for more days at work for the summer, so I should be OK for high speed Internet. But honestly, I have no idea how long I can keep this up. Unless I do something drastic, I don't think I can stay apart of the Internets ...

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If you went to a parallel world, would you screw your female self?

nobody@vox.com(CTZ) — Thu, 24 May 2007 00:05:31 -0700

So I'm listening to the latest Mega64 podcast and Rocco was reading some of the reader questions. One of the questions was "If you went to a parallel world, would you screw your female self?". After laughing for 10 minutes straight, I started to think about this question. Would I? It's hard to say. Essentially, it'd be just like masturbating ...

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I find the best pictures

nobody@vox.com(CTZ) — Fri, 04 May 2007 18:48:07 -0700

Wakame43

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